So it goes

I was trying to be good with my diet on day 2 but it was one of those “I need a cheese danish” kind of day.  So for the most part, I’ve been good with the non-fat dairy, Greek yoghurt, protein infused diet.  (I’m turning yellow with all the scrambled eggs I’ve been eating).  I would’ve had my “sweet” fix with the iced decaf hazelnut I made for myself, but as I said, I needed an infusion of sugar and comfort please.

It was one of those days that made a red velvet whoopie pie from Crumbs sound so tempting, but I held back.  (So the cheese danish was actually me being good…LOL)  And as if that weren’t enough,  I have a little wound on my pinkie toe that makes it difficult to walk.  And surprisingly, the most comfortable shoes today are my three-inch heel booties.

Paperkrafts: Zentangling and paper collage flowerI haven’t been able to do much “me” stuff today because I’m swamped with work.  I did manage to create the paper flower collage on the left a while back, but it got buried under some other paperwork.  One of these days, I will do a “how-to” (another promise to impart my “knowledge”) but probably in the Gotham Chick blog.  Speaking of which, I would’ve been ready to start writing about my hand-molded beads, but the pictures were blurry.  I am still trying to get used to my DSLR-look alike camera and I am having problems doing the macro shots with no flash.  But that’s another post for another day.

I don’t know if I should be glad the day is ending.  It’s an early end for me today as the boss is off networking somewhere.  I want to take advantage of these rare occasions when I can leave the office before 6pm which is my usual end time.  (Although these days, I’ve been working at trying to leave closer to 5:30.)

On the otherhand, there is still much work.  I know my sister is waking up on the other side of the world, probably grumbling about a “bump in the road” we discussed last night (my morning today).  It’s business that it’s not — and it’s tricky because sometimes you expect friends to deliver and they don’t.  The crazy part is I am not surprised at how a friend is transacting business, but I am disheartened and saddened at the turn of events.  Still there are things that are simply beyond our control.  I’m done grumbling myself — time to move on.

Perhaps I’ve had good practice at being disappointed these past few weeks.  I am generally a very pragmatic friend.  I don’t consider myself needy — I actually think I’m generous to a fault.  But despite how people think I’m stronger than I think I am, I am generally dependent on the support of the people around me.  And I have been very, very lucky in many respects in terms of friends and family, more importantly.  I think I have very reasonable expectations of people, but perhaps my giving nature makes me expect something in the same lines in return.  I know — not healthy.  Still, I think I’m generally very tolerant of others.  My mother had long ago taught me that I should not look for my strengths in others — otherwise, if everyone were as good as I am in the same way, no one would be doing the menial jobs or the less-cerebral tasks in life.  (Very humbling lessons from my Mom, indeed.)  So when the disappointments come — and they do – they generally hit me not as hard as they would others.

But on days like this when I can use a laugh or two or a  hug — there’s Fe and there’s Ofie.  I don’t even want to think beyond this debacle, because if I go to the other aches and pains and kinks in my day (and my life), I’ll find myself going back to the feeling that I’ve been fed to the dogs.  (I don’t want to go there because I don’t want to have to get a whoopie pie!  LOL)

I had to literally pause writing, take a deep breath, close my eyes..then I smiled.  Acceptance, perhaps?  As Fe quotes our dearly departed friend Mar, “Eh, ganun…”

I have been disappointed by friends too many times to count, and I don’t count.  But when it’s the people who matter who do, then it’s not a matter of keeping score, but of recovering from the disappointment.  I don’t bear grudges, but my heart can grow weary of being patient and tolerant.  So I let go.  I have one ex-bestfriend I haven’t spoken to for five years, I believe.  I’m not mad at her, and the pain caused by the reason of our parting is gone, but I am comfortable keeping the distance.  (“Distancia Amigo,” Fe says.)

There are simply people who are not meant to be part of our lives the way we want them to be.

I look at these challenges as lessons in life.  I keep saying that ten years from now, (if I am still around), I will say this is one of those junctures in my life when I grew by leaps and bounds and I changed in so many ways.  Not always painlessly,  but at least hopefully for the better.  I was never wont to say “these people will realize one day… blah blah blah”… instead I dwell on what lesson I learned from the pain and hurt they brought my way.  I wish Ofie would look at it the same light — she’s still recovering from surgery and she’s getting very, very aggravated.  (That’s my little sister!)

What is that they say?  You go and pick up the pieces and start over.

You have to stop and wonder if these people who hurt you actually realize what damage they are doing to someone else’s heart.. sometimes, they don’t know they’ve ripped your heart to bits by their nonchallance or sometimes even noble intentions..  That is a sad thought, but it is again, beyond my control.  Sometimes we keep wishing for an apology, or a heart-felt “I’m sorry.”  But that is something we cannot demand or draw out of someone — it comes when it comes… or not.

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